The onion online dating profile

Yes, yes you would. If you think you've heard this line before, it is probably because you most likely have heard it before. He is obviously looking for a trophy wife — must not be a microgram overweight, and must enjoy sitting in a corner looking pretty! You never want to read those words on an online dating profile — or do you? The "About Me" section of this person's profile is nothing short of hilarious. After she makes that outrageous statement, she goes on saying she is not to be judged by her weight, height or the fact that she may or may not have a couple of kids hiding in a closet, which isn't terribly wrong.

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Remember a chubby, green ogre who once was determined to rescue the princess trapped in a tower guarded by a mean, yet pink and sexy, dragon?

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While this might all be a joke — hopefully, anyway — nobody should joke about beating women and murdering cats. Oh, and by the way, remember how I said this guy was not a rapper, a poet or Lin-Manuel Miranda? Umm, wasn't he cute like 5 seconds ago? At this point, who the hell knows? That's nothing short of a deal breaker, obviously.

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